*I made this post a week ago, I was going to edit it because it was too long. Today, I reread it and I remembered this is for my journal and this is how I feel. So please bear with the long post*
I almost made a post about the bad luck I have had and how the 3rd one struck, but I had an eye opening moment. As some of my friends know my life has changed from the plan I had in my head.
On the day before school started, my friend asked me to watch her two girls two mornings before school because she has to work. With 5 kids, our mornings have been known to be hectic. As you can imagine: Luke (2 yrs) please stop crying. Time to practice the piano. I need to do your hair. Please change your outfit, it isn't winter. Eat your breakfast. We only eat at the table. Did you put your homework in your bag? Luke I'm sorry, but I can't hold you right now. Make the lunches. Where is the bread? I can't find my shoes. Well, who wore them last? Luke, please don't cry. Why didn't you show me this paper last night? Please don't fight, this isn't the way to start the day. You know the drill. ~OK, it isn't really always like this, but it can be and sometimes worse.~ I explain this to her and hope her girls won't be scared to death. She just needs a place for them to wait before school starts, they will already be fed and ready. Then the kids will walk them to school. OK, we can do this.
Then that night I get a call from my sister. Her daycare fell through and she has no one to watch her girls after school until she gets off work at 7:00 pm. This is the part I was going to write about initially. You know the saying "Since you aren't doing anything anyway." OK, I will leave it at that, because this post isn't heading the way I had hoped. So I have my two nieces every night until 7:30.
Not at all what I had planned for our lives. We were going to go on night hikes when we could, but they won't be up to what we do and we won't be back until later. We read the scriptures and have FHE, they aren't members of our Church. We have piano, cub scouts, activity days and new things we were going to add. There will be homework. We like to be adventurous and take off whenever the mood or opportunity arises. I was looking forward to many fun outings. But my car can't hold us all and 7 kids is more than I can handle in public.
But my biggest worry has been "Will I have enough time for my own kids? Will I be the Mom they need? Do I have enough to give?"
I got a blessing to help me through the immense amount of stress I was feeling. I was told I have a great gift and capacity to love others and that there are many children who need to feel of that love. Oh boy! (I didn't mention how I yell at my kids and the tension can be thick enough to serve for dinner.) I can't remember all of the blessing. I wish I could, but I remember I felt so much love. I couldn't contain the tears as I felt like I was covered in a blanket of love.
I had high hopes for the first day. I got dinner in the crock pot and rice cooker. Did I mention my niece has a strict diet because of health problems? I cleaned the house. Played with Dallin & Luke. We worked on Dallin's writing, alphabet & some phonics. We danced & sang along with Preschool music. I read some favorite books to them and got them down for a nap. This was a perfect setting for a good day!
The girls arrive 30 minutes before my kids get home from school. We talk about their first day of school. Did they like their teachers? Did they make friends? What are they most excited about? Then my kids arrive. They didn't know about their cousins because I wanted them to enjoy everything they could about their first day at school. So they are surprised to find them there. I have three planners thrown at me. I try to ask my kids about their day and I get some quick responses like "It was good." Then they run off to play.
Not much later I hear yelling, see one boy throw a ball at another. We have to talk. They both blame the other. There will be no more of that. Then I hear my child yelling names at someone and go out to talk to him and he is tackling his 4 yr old brother. There is a time out and um, soap in the mouth for being rude. Then after his time out he argues with me and won't listen so back to time out and shown how to respect his Mom. Then yelling again. This time my daughter is upset because Luke won't let her do anything, he misses his sister. Total mayhem breaks out. My niece acts grossed out at what I made for dinner.
I can't handle it. I go put myself in time out. What happened to my good day? This isn't what I had planned. How can I do this? What happened to all of that love I was supposed to give? I can't feel any of it right now.
Then I realized my kids were having a hard time because they didn't get their downtime with their Mom. They didn't get a chance to tell me about their day. They didn't have a chance to say what they needed to say and I didn't have a chance to listen. We tried to pull them each aside and talk to them a little, but it wasn't really the same at all. I was so worn out I went to bed at 8:00. It was the next morning that I learned that my daughter had had a "Rotten, horrible, no good day." She was excluded by her so called friends and played alone each recess. Seriously, it broke my heart, but even more so that she didn't get to tell me the day before. We talked and cried together and then said a prayer together. I thought of her often throughout the day and prayed she had a better day.
I called some friends to talk out my emotions. One of them has done daycare in her home. How does she do it? How does she have enough to give to her own kids? Thank you girls. I needed to talk it out. Let's see how the second day goes.
I again asked questions about my nieces day at school. This time I tried to get more details from my kids, but it was off to piano and get dinner on the table, so there wasn't much time. Somehow it went better. No fighting. They actually LOVED last night's dinner, so there was less hesitancy tonight. Then it was homework time. Thankfully Aaron was there. We had two kids who had homework that took some thought. And then my niece wants to read to us and help her with her homework. This part is going to have to change because I can't be responsible for helping her with homework. I still have other children to care for.
Then this morning was the first day with the other two girls in the morning. The day played out well. The kids did piano, ate breakfast, made lunches, had all papers in backpack. I talked to the girls about school. I did Faith's hair while I talked to them. I saw the one girl who had her hair down looking on longingly. Since I had extra time I braided her hair too. She loved it!
Holy smokes! Maybe I do have some extra love to give. But I have to make sure my well doesn't run dry. I know I can't do this forever. Other arrangements will have to be made, but for now I will try to do my best.
I saw this video and it fit perfectly with what I have learned I need to do to succeed. Each child has to know they are cared about and feel some love so they can be happy. I pray I can do what the Lord is asking me to do. I want to be there. I want to give my kids what they need. To listen and show I care. That they may know they are loved. May they never have to say "Mother Are You There?
